I’ve talked about having a strong tongue before, so probably no need to revisit that whole un-freaking-comfortable situation with my dentist but in case you missed it and are dying to know what happened, this is how the whole scenerio went down:

“I had an appointment with a new dentist, so I had a thorough check up and they did some xrays and afterwards, my dentist went over the xrays with me. As he’s showing me the different pictures of the inside of my mouth (which were super hot by the way because it could have been the inside of an octopus because no regular person can make heads nor tails out of them anyway) and he points to a particular xray and says, “see that?” Sure I saw it but I had no idea what I was looking at. He told me it was my tongue, which, and I quote, “I had to fight with that thing the whole time I was in your mouth. You have a very strong tongue”. Ummm awkward. What does one say to that? Gee thanks doc, I work that baby out like there’s no tomorrow. I mean who doesn’t want a strong tongue? It’s come in handy for me since I’m typing these days with it because MY ARMS FELL OFF. See how life works out?”

Ya, awkward. I’m not sure why I brought it up, but I’ve not been able to forget about it, so I’m sharing it again. Can never have too many tongue stories stored in your memory bank.

Anyway, this is going to be random and semi-boring with a splash of excitement thrown in, so if you have 2 1/2 minutes to waste, might as read on.

My poor daughter was sick for almost a week – it started last Friday night. And when I say sick, I mean sick. Who knew a tiny little thing could produce that much vomit? Um, ya. We need not go any further on that subject. You get the picture.

On a happy note, it’s warmed up here – apparently we (Alberta) have sent the cold air to parts of the USA, which they are referring to as the “Alberta Clipper,” and for that, I’m so sorry. We had those ball-freezing temperatures back in December, and I’m pretty sure that mother-effing deep freeze was compliments of our sister country, so it was only kind of us to return the favor. Besides, I honestly have no control over the weather. I know! Shocking! Spring is just around the corner – chant that until you start to get feeling back in your toes again. That’s what I did.

Guess what? It’s 12:44 a.m. and my 2 youngest kids are still up. Why? Because they’ve inherited their mother’s ‘night-owl’ personality and the ability to function on minimal sleep. I’m not sure whether I should be mortified or proud. Perhaps a bit of both. I will, however, be putting them to bed shortly.

Speaking of beds – I bought a new one! It’s our first official new bed. I’m not kidding you. My husband and I have been together nearly 21 years and when we first starting dating and decided shortly afterwards to live together (yes, in sin!), we needed a bed. So we bought a waterbed. You’re thinking, well, how could your new bed be your first bed if you bought a waterbed back in 1988? I’ll tell you – waterbeds are not beds. They are big blobs of rubber filled with water, that over time will give you a bad back (and spring leaks that will ruin your flooring!) and aches and pains years down the road that you never thought you’d experience. That’s why my new bed is my official bed. ‘Nuff said.

Anyway, bought a king-size bed and let me tell you, going from a horrible, lumpy, shitty queen to a deluxe king – heavenly. My back has thanked me for 2 days now. I’m fairly short (5′ 2″) and my sons laughed when the the bed was all set up – they had helped my husband get it ready and when they were done, they called me back to the room – and burst out laughing when I walked into the room. The bed is so damn high, I’m short and put the two together – well, they asked me if I wanted a stepping stool? Or should they go out to the garage and get one of the ladders? Smart ass bunch of brats I’m raising. Technically, I probably could have used the stepping stool but that is besides the damn point.

Here’s a photo:

You’ll notice I’ve painted my walls brown (or not, since you had no bloody idea what color they were before..however, look closely and you’ll see the painting isn’t done yet…) and we have no headboard yet (couldn’t find one we liked but hubby has promised to build me one…excuse me while I DIE LAUGHING. Not because he’s not capable…he’s a very experienced woodworker – it’s just that the man is so damn busy, that I’ll be old and/or dead before he gets around to it) and my nightstand is dwarfed by the size and height of the bed, so it looks absolutely retarded, thus making it impossible for me to keep it – just means I’ll have to buy a new one (it’s ugly anyway). Everyone has said, if you can spend money on a good mattress, do it – your body will thank you, and so far, that’s so true. And we were lucky – we got ours for 50% off. I so love a good deal.

One more thing before I go put my chillin’s to bed – have you ever had a call from a telemarketer that asks you to hold while they get around to talking to you? It’s bad enough that they call my home, but when I answer my phone with ‘hello?’ and I hear ‘can you hold for a very important message?’ um, ya, I’m not holding – YOU called ME. Remember? If you’re going to harrass me, at least have the decency to have a real person on the other end of the phone when I say HELLO………..*CLICK*.

Good night wonderful people.

PS…Go read my post about the trampy Kate Hudson. It’ll take you 30 seconds tops. Plus she’s sorta naked, so it’s worth it right? Right. Spankz.

I like my kitchen, it’s not bad, however, definitely will be upgrading it at some point, but not right now. But, my fridge was driving me nuts. The appliances are black, which hey, look nice, way better than white ones (hate white appliances) but my fridge seemed so small. It’s a standard size but the way the inside was laid out, just did not work. I decided that I would go look at new fridges. I’ve always wanted stainless steel, so I went to take a gander. I had no intentions of buying a fridge at this point, but would look to see what was available.

I drove over to Future Shop, which is less than five minutes from my home and since I had an hour to kill before I had to pick kids up, that would give me enough time to browse and get some idea of what I wanted when I was ready to buy.

I’m looking around and a nice sales lady comes over and I tell her that I’m just looking but that I want to eventually buy a stainless steel fridge. She shows me a few and then I spot one that has a sticker on it, reading ‘open box.’ What does that mean exactly? Well, it means there’s no box for that fridge. Oh and it’s just about $1200 discounted. I get excited – it was a mack daddy, super duper french door fridge with the freezer drawer on the bottom. And huge. Like really huge. I tell the sales lady that I really like that one but I’m not sure if it would fit where my fridge is now, although I was working with an extra 6 inches on the side and about 5 inches on the top – it was the depth of the fridge that I was most concerned about.

Sales lady gets a tape measure and gives me the dimensions and I tell her that I’m going to dash home to measure my, uh, hole. Yes, I said it like that and when the words were out of my mouth, I realized it sounded a bit rude, so I added, ‘where my fridge is,’ but by then, it was a bit too late. Anyway, I’m assuming she knew what I meant.

I drive home, measure the hole and am sad because the fridge at the store was 34 inches deep and I could really only go about 32 inches deep, so my heart dropped a little bit because I’d not be able to get that sweet, awesome mack daddy of all daddy fridges. I head back to the store and tell the sales lady that it’s just going to be too big – then she brought rainbows and unicorns back into my life by telling me that she forgot to say that the depth also included the handles – meaning, the fridge wasn’t 34 inches deep but actually 32 and the handles made up the other 2 inches. Well hells bells, I could get it! I told her the space was 36 inches wide and since the fridge was 35 1/2 inches, she said it would work perfectly! And we had 2 inches on height. I was so excited and so happy that I was finally going to have a huge fridge for a pretty cheap price and I’d be one appliance closer to having all stainless steel in my kitchen. Okay, so that was my first and I have 3 more to go, but still – closer.

I call my husband to tell him I bought it. He was less than thrilled. He and my oldest were going away for a few days and would be getting ready to leave that night, so why would I pick that particular day to purchase a new fridge? Well, because it was an open box deal, cheap and a top of the line fridge and since there was only one in the store, someone could snatch it up and then I’d be upset and probably eat ice cream, whine and cry for 5 days, so really, in the long run, it was the best possible decision I could make. I mean really, we live 5 minutes from Future Shop and how long could it possibly take to go pick it up, put it on the truck and then bring it home? I’m thinking 20 minutes tops. Hardly put a dent in hubby’s getting ready to go away time. Ha.

Hubster arrives home around 6 pm-ish and I hand him the receipt and tell him and son to go pick up the fridge. I, in the meantime, take everything out of the old fridge, clean it out and move it into the living room. I’m so excited – I mean, serisouly, this was a huge deal for me. They arrive back about 25 minutes later (I’m thinking, why didn’t it take 5 mins like I thought?), and my son runs in the house, hoping I’d not already cleaned out the other fridge because really, they had no idea how they’d even get it off the truck. The thing weighed 350 pounds. What? I thought maybe 150 tops, but nope, I was wrong. What I had envisioned in my mind – the whole process taking 20 minutes – was not panning out quite like I had hoped. It took the three of us about 30 minutes just to get it off the truck or rather, to figure a way to get it off the truck. It took four men to put it on the truck, so it was going to take four to get it off the truck. And seeing as there were only 2 men and me, the odds of us being successful weren’t good.

I came up with the idea of using hubby’s quad ramps and sliding it down – that would have been good in theory but the ramps are much like a ladder with rungs, so the fridge wheels would just get caught up in them. But then we decided to put a piece of plywood on the ramp and we somehow wrangled the fridge onto the plywood and slide it down off of the truck. Success! Now, how to get it in the house? Can’t take it through the garage since the door going into the house was only 32 inches wide and we need at least 36. Well, front door it is:

Mind you, we have to squeeze it around the corner from the driveway to the walkway, and get it up two steps twice but hey, no biggie right? Sure. After about another half hour of struggling to do all that (oh and it’s dark out too and cold), we finally get it to the front door. But guess what? It’s too wide to fit through the front door. By this time, my son and husband are less than impressed with me. They’re supposed to be getting ready for their trip and yet, they’ve just spent almost two hours with trying to do the whole fridge thing. Did I mention they were less than impressed? Ya.

So, I ask if we can take the front door off – sure, let’s make it an even bigger project, why not? Son, takes front door off and guess what? The freakin’ fridge fits through! Now we’re cookin’! My son and I wheel it around to the living room, through the dining room and into the kitchen (yay for open floor plans!) and he and I push it into the hole. Space. Whatever. (Yes, I’m 12). And this sounds good in theory, but technically we couldn’t push it into the hole. BECAUSE. IT. DIDN’T. FIT. Uh, my husband is now killing me with his eyes and I’m swearing up and down that I measured like three times and I know it’s got to fit because I measured THREE.TIMES. However, the fridge wasn’t 35 1/2 inches like lady said, it was actually 35 3/4 and the space is 36 inches, but should still fit right? Except I didn’t account for the baseboard in the space.

Now I’m being murdered by both hubby’s and son’s eyes – I was covered in daggers piercing through my heart. I was not their favorite person at that moment. What now? Can’t take the fridge back, can’t just not use it. Hubby rips the baseboard off to make room. Okay, fine, I mean once the fridge is in there, you can’t even see that there’s supposed to be baseboard so no big fucking deal. Husband and son push the fridge in and although it took a minute or two, they did it! Mind you, it’s not coming out of there until we renovate the kitchen and we’ll most likely have to actually take the wall down to move the fridge but seriously, how much work could that be?

Now, I’m excited to put all of my food in the new fridge! Here’s where two issues arose – # 1 – can’t open the left door on the fridge. Oh why? Because although we got it in the space, it’s such a tight fit and since there’s the door way into the laundry room that has trim around it, ya, the door can’t open. Uh, oh. # 2 issue – can’t open the freezer drawer AT.ALL. because of the door trim. How do we solve this? Well husband has to uh, cut, uh the door trim off:

That doesn’t look that bad right? But look at the fridge (I hadn’t cleaned it yet, so ignore the finger prints – remember, husband and son had to jam it into the space? Ya.) isn’t it gorgeous? It’s that brushed steel that I just really love. Sure, the rest of my appliances are still black and will be for a while, but really, who the hell sees my kitchen? Hardly anyone. But I can fit all of my groceries in it! And then some. I swear it looks like I have no food because I have so much room. And the freezer is huge too with shelving and compartments. Love it. Sure, there’s no trim on that part of the wall by the door, but who is going to notice? My husband notices, but he’ll get over it.

And while it looks a bit goofy to have one stainless appliance the rest black, it’s not the worse thing in the world. Having a dog shit in your soup would be way worse. See? Always find the silver lining.

You’re probably wondering where the black fridge went. There’s nothing wrong with it – just a bit on the small side, so we’re obviously keeping it and where did we put it? Didn’t you know that having a fridge in your living room is so the rage right now? No? Well let me be the first to tell you:

It matches my living room furniture. I’m assuming it’ll go downstairs to the basement – whenever my husband wants to be done punishing me. Ha.

Matt: OMG is that another one?

Me: Yes.

Matt: You have a problem. You’re addicted.

Me: I think I am.

Matt: You should stop. Get some help.

Me: I probably can’t stop.

Matt: Maybe medication would help.

Me: Maybe. Maybe not. Plus, I’m not sure I can stop. I’m not sure I want to stop.

Matt: Sick.

Me: Ya.

Watch the video below and decide for yourself if I have a problem. Maybe some sort of support group? I dunno.

Today is October 18 and yes, I’ve lived in Calgary for over 5 years now, and I KNOW we can experience all four seasons in one day, but still – snow? Really? Sure, it only lasted for about 10 minutes, and didn’t stick, but um – gross. Can someone please tell snow that I don’t want a relationship with it? Ever? I suppose I’ll have to move to Florida if I want to not experience snow in any capacity, so until then, I’ll just whine about it.

But, hey did you notice my pretty arrangement on my front step? I rather like it. Just like my shag.

No, I’m not talking about whether to shave ‘the carpet’ or not. I’m talking about the rug in my bathroom.

My half bath on the mail level is painted a very light sage green and I decided to accent in red. I bought red towels, red faceclothes, red candles and even have photos of my kids wearing red while picking strawberries – I rather like the red. I’d never paint a room red or have red furniture, but a few red accents, I think, look smashing.

I decided that I needed on more thing red – but wasn’t sure exactly what that thing should be – until I spotted and fell in love with THE RUG. It was like love at first sight – our eyes met, hearts began beating wildly, our palms got sweaty – okay, so that was really only me since I’m guessing the mat didn’t feel much, but you get the idea. I snatched that baby up so quickly I thought my head might spin off – it was the last red bathroom mat there, a one of a kind, one like no other and I was not giving it up. I was excited to lay it on the floor in the bathroom and seriously, it didn’t disappoint. It just went so well with everything, and really made the other red accents pop.

I purchased the rug on Saturday. Today is Tuesday. My husband just noticed the mat this morning and I get the feeling he’s not crazy about it, since he said, “what the hell is that? Is that SHAG? What? Is this 1972?”

I think his comments were totally uncalled for. Like he’s any kind of designer. Pffftt. Please. I told him he had no sense of house style and that he should just continue to leave the home stuff to me because obviously I do a way better job than he ever would. He laughed. Then my grown boys came in, and my husband just had to point the mat out to them – all the while going on and on and on about how hideous it is.

My sons didn’t like it either. I thought for sure Matt would like it, but nope. He said a brown leather rug would look way better. A brown leather rug? Leather? On a bathroom floor? Ya, that’s so practical. Because when water drips on that leather, well, that wouldn’t hurt a leather rug. I’m surprised they didn’t suggest a bear skin rug with head attached. And brown? My bathroom is done with red accents and a black cabinet and frame – oh yes, a brown rug would look perfect. I’m pretty certain I didn’t ask any of them what they thought. They just gave their wrong opinions anyway.

Then they had to go on and on about shag. OMG it’s shag. Shag is so 70s, shag is so fug, shag is so gross, blah blah blah. Listen, I wouldn’t put shag in a whole room (I hate carpet period as a general rule) but a small 2×4 bathmat is hardly shagging a whole a room for shitsake. And besides, shag is making a comeback – somewhere.

But you know what, I like my red shag mat. And it’s not just shag – yes, shag from the seventies is gross – believe me, my parents had in a couple of our homes – but this is new shag. Twenty-first century shag. Not your typical ugly shag. It’s the new and improved shag. Trendy shag – but not so trendy that it’ll be outdated in 6 months, oh no, good shag. Superior shag. Without further ado, I introduce you to the beautiful, red shag mat that I so love…it melts my heart. Makes me happy. I get glowy when I think of it. Or maybe that’s the booze talking. Either way, I love my red rug.

You love it too right? Of course you do, or I’ll cut you.

That is my new living room. A few different angles. Notice I like Judge Judy. Ignore the wires on the floor – we have to have those put in behind the TV and I’m guessing that will happen sometime before our youngest goes to high school. That is about 7 years from now.

I just noticed in the last photo – there’s a woman sitting on a couch with a blue cartoon type outline of a person. WTH is that? What was I watching besides Judge Judy???

Did I mention that our oldest, grown sons don’t live with us? *Insert clapping here* They’re only minutes away – just close enough for them to still annoy us but far enough away that we can pretend we’re not home. I love that! *If you’re reading this my dear sons, you know I’m just kidding 100% serious.*