May 17, 2008

I watch a fair amount of movies - my favs are ’scare the shit out of you’ kinda movies, doesn’t necessarily have to be gory, but I want to jump out of my skin mmkay?

Have you seen the movie Cloverfield? If you have, my condolences. If not, I’m going to save you a raging migraine and the urge to vomit. Oh - you don’t barf because it’s gory, oh no, it’s worse than that.

The basic movie premise - if you seriously want to see this, stop reading now, because I am going to have spoilers, which really aren’t spoilers because anyone with an IQ of higher than say 3, can figure out the plotline (?) and ending (?).

I had read comments on the internet about how crappy this movie was, but no, I can’t listen. I just have to find out for myself, can’t take anyone’s word for it. Nope, not me. I will say, you may want to take a motion sickness pill (or 5) before watching the film and maybe not eat. A full stomach probably won’t be good.

I’m not sure what exactly you call the style of camera work that was used for the movie - wait, SHITTY? Is that the word I’m looking for? I get the fact that the movie maker wanted a feeling of ’some guy filming the horror that took place’ because that’s the general plotline - some average joe with his best friend’s video camera “documenting” the night before his friend is to go away to Japan for some job or hookers (I forget). However, even myself, as an average chick with a video camera can do a way better job than the assclown in the movie. Seriously, the WHOLE movie is shot with motion that is so whacked out, you get dizzy in the first 5 minutes. A dog with NO LEGS and a HAND held video camera could have done a better job. Sure, wiggle the camera around once in awhile, to give it that average dude filming sorta feeling but really, the whole Blair Witch Project movie making is so 1990’s. It’s done.

The acting - oh the acting. The main character, can’t remember his name, even though I watched it 6 hours ago, was okay. He wasn’t horrible and was relatively cute, so that helped. The guy “shooting” the video in the movie, uh, not really cute and he tried to be funny (I think?) and it didn’t work. And really, these people, should have been a bit more weirded out due to the fact that there’s a giant alien/serpent/lizard/snake creature torturing the residents of New York City. Oh and there were some other creatures - looked like giant mosquitos, with a shark’s mouth and they ate people. Do I even need to keep talking about this?

I’m still fighting the migraine that this movie gave me. I know, I should have stopped watching it but every 2 minutes, I was sure it was going to improve. Sadly, it did not. If I wanted a pounding headache, I really could have just stabbed myself with a screwdriver or smashed my head on a brick. Same difference. I lost one hour and 13 minutes of my life that I cannot get back! Can I get a refund? Sadly no, but I am thankful I wasn’t one of the poor suckers who actually paid big bucks to watch this in a movie theater. I can’t even imagine watching this on a giant screen. I had read that some people, after seeing it at theater, had to leave because they were actually tossing their cookies. I totally believe it.

Let’s wrap up because even talking of it 6 hours after the fact, is making me dizzy all over again. If you want to feel nauseous, dizzy and end up with a sickening headache, go rent it now! Oh and if you’re into crap acting, then another good reason to get it. And let’s not forget the whole premise of the movie - dumb. The ending sucks too - all of the main characters die by the way (told you to stop reading way up there, so don’t get pissy at me), and you don’t really know if they contained the creature or if it ate the whole world. See? Suckage. Seriously, you’d have more fun if you took an hour and shoved peanuts up your nose. Take my word for it.