March 26, 2008

This post entry has no title. Why you ask? Well when I add a title, I get a bunch of jibberish at the top of my post where my title should be and I have no earthly idea what the hell to do, so I will not be titling posts until further notice. Are you okay with that? Good.

It’s 1:23 a.m. and I’m still awake - well duh, because I’m typing this. I’m not in the least bit tired unless you count holding my eyelids open with toothpicks and punching myself in the neck to keep from falling over, symptoms of being tired.

I had a lady call me today and ask me where her order was. I said I didn’t know and then she screamed at me, saying she was going to sue my ass off or some such silliness. I think she had the wrong number because I haven’t taken orders from crazy people in the last, say, oh EVER. We often get wrong numbers for some glass company, so I’ll assume that’s the place nutjob thought she was calling. I wish her luck in whatever she does. Seriously.

I honestly think I had better go to bed. My kids will be up early - they’re on March/spring break but have yet to realize that this would a perfect week to SLEEP IN. But yet, next week, I will literally have to drag their butts out of bed to get up for school. Why is this? When you figure out the answer let me know please.

Okay, I’m honestly going to bed. By bed I mean I’m going to edit more photos. And watch a movie. And eat candy.

February 22, 2008

I decided, just for shits and giggles, to see who searched what to get to my blog. I, of course, get the usual “poop” searches. I’m not sure that’s exactly a good thing. A couple of searches did concern me though:

One (or rather several) search string was “dog tampons.” Please dog lovers/owners, tell me that there are not doggie tampons. I was way too scared to click any of the links. I’ve never in my life heard of such a thing. Who inserts them? Who takes them out? Wait - why am I asking these questions? Surely there is no such product as DOG TAMPONS. Right? *Shudder*

Another search string was concerning, but honestly, it really should concern the person typing it on Google. It was really, ah, perhaps the person should seek MEDICAL attention instead of sitting at their computer. They typed in “why is brown stuff leaking from my vagina.” I haven’t the foggiest idea and what’s even more puzzling is how they arrived here. I don’t even want to know. Seriously though, the words “leaking” and “vagina” in the same sentence is never good.

Speaking of vagina’s - no kidding, I have no more vajayjay talk. Well I mean I could but let’s save that for another day. Oh wait, Britney flashed her cooter again. Seriously, who forgets underwear that many times? How do I know this? I wrote about it for work. Sweet eh? Writing about Britney’s crotch helps me pay for things. Wow that sounds super creepy when I write it out like that. Sooo….anyone watch American Idol? What about Survivor? No, I’m not recapping, I was just asking.

Anyway, if anyone with a dog would kindly let me know if there really is such thing as dog tampons, that’d be great. I’m not sure why I feel the need to know but it’s one less mystery I have to worry about. I’m totally praying that there isn’t.

February 21, 2008

Okay listen, I’ve been lazy busy, so I put up a couple of videos for your entertainment. Hey, at least I was thinking of you. What have you done for me today? Yup, just what I thought.

I was busy working, painting, working some more, talking on the phone, painting, yawning, eating a bowl of icecream, working, and sleeping all day. That’s alot. I’ll probably have quite a bit more to say tomorrow since it’s Friday. You know what Friday means right? It means I’ll have more to say. Duh. Gotta S.P.E.L.L. it all out for you. I’m thoughtful like that.

Oh Survivor is on tonight and AI. Two shows were people get the boot for sucking! My kinda show.

February 18, 2008

I’m on the cover of People magazine - apparently they think of me as one of their ‘100 Most Beautiful.’ Um, ya. Be sure to pick up your copy. Actually I bought quite a few, so you can just send me $24.95 and I’ll get your copy out to you. Then, just because I’m a sweetheart, I’ll be on the corner of Main Street signing autographs. See you there.

November 13, 2007

Chris, who by the way, thinks I’m perfect (ya), wanted me to update because she was making her bloggy rounds. Natually, I’m willing to oblige her. Yes, I’m awake now and have been for quite some time. I woke at 5am and never really got back to sleep, which sort of sucks.

I have so much to do today and barely know where to begin, plus my daughter is home sick so that sort of throws a wrench into things. She’s comfortably watching tv right now, and not barfing, and for that, I’m thankful. Cleaning puke wasn’t on my ‘to do’ list for this morning and I’d like to keep it that way.

We did more Christmas shopping on the weekend and I love that we are getting close to being done. I’m sure you’re thrilled for me. My husband told my oldest boys they could shop for me at the ‘Love Stop’ or ‘Adult Source’. Nice huh? He’s such a comedian, makes me want to kick him in the balls laugh so hard. I told them, if I see any sort of funky looking box, weird or oblong shapes, I’m not even opening it and they may get a punch in the face. I had a friend back in high school, who played a joke on me…let’s just say it involved the public and ‘good vibrations’. I never want to re-visit that memory thank you very much.

Well, this is short, sweet and boring but I gotta run and get my shiznat done. Chris, I hope you’re happy that I updated just for you and I’ll expect some $20’s in a plain white envelope. Ah, with my name and address on it. And a stamp. Cheery-o all. Peace out. See ya. Smell ya later. What, am I 12? Yes, in my mind I am.

October 30, 2007

I love Halloween. By love, I mean, who invented it? Who came up with the tradition to take huge, orange vegetables and cut the tops of them off, scoop out the enormous amounts of stringy shit and seeds and then attempt to be ‘artistic’ on the surface of them? Huh? Who? I’d like to slap thank them hard.

I decided that my 2 youngest children needed five pumpkins as opposed to just one each. Who buys 5 pumpkins? Someone who seemed to forget just from last Halloween how absolutely fun it is to carve pumpkins. Wow. She sounds like a moron.

By the time I was done carving the said 5 pumpkins, my hands looked like I got into Lindsay Lohan’s medicine cabinet. No, no, no, not like all white n’ powdery and stuff, but orange. My hands honestly looked like I’d had a bad fight with a huge bottle of self tanner. I was day-glowing. They’re still slightly ‘tanned’ today even after showering. Not the most attractive look.

As for the pumpkins, I might take pictures of them tomorrow night when they are all lit up and glowing and share them with you because I know ya’ll (my tribute to Britney) be waiting for them. I have nothing else to say, so I’m going to go eat a pumpkin.

October 18, 2007

I worked sooo hard today. What did I do you ask? Let me tell you. I spent about, approximately, sorta, perhaps, kinda FIVE HOURS 20 minutes on the phone with my wench Angie and we SHOPPED browsed on Ebay. And, and, and, get this…..I witnessed her Ebay virginity being taken. How awesome is that? I walked her through the transaction like a proud mother bird watching her baby bird fall from the tree. Wait, not fall, fly. Ya fly. That’s what I meant. No, seriously, she did fine. And by fine, I mean she should step away from the Ebay. I’m kidding. She really did suck at the whole Ebay thing. Joking. She’s not to be trusted with a mouse and a monitor and an Ebay account. Again, I’m teasing. It’s called sarcasm. Try it sometime, you might just like it. I recommend it with a bowl of cereal. Nothin’ says fun like Shredded Wheat and a side of sarcasm. Yum. Ha. Where’s my medication you ask? Ya, I think I forgot to take it. Note to self: Find it.

Anyway, after doing all that shopping shopping shopping work, we decided we should get off the phone because 20 minutes was a long time. Nine am to 2pm, IS twenty minutes right? Right. Thought so. Calculating time is my forte. I should be a timesmith along with the wordsmith that I am. Ooh double threat. Shaaaazam!

October 2, 2007

….I wish I could say me, but unfortunately, my delusions fame has gone by the wayside while everyone focuses on Britney Smears, er, Spears and how she lost her kids to some guy named Carl Jr. or some such silliness. Then she wore a short skirt to a motel (maybe to secretly meet this Carl Jr dude) without any underwear on and drank milkshakes while applying for her California drivers permit. At least that’s my version of the events. Cheery-O.

Yesterday was October 1st and I’m still wondering what happened to September? I sorta, kinda remember it and I was sure I was experiencing it, and then all of a sudden, boom, October comes around like a needy child. A spoiled needy child, that’s all, look at me, how I snuck in while you were drunk busy painting that I techincally haven’t started. We could get snow here at any time. Snow. As in white powder not to be confused with the stuff that Britney snorts up her schnoz, just reporting the facts people, just reporting the facts that supposedly some people like strapping on long, skinny boards and racing down big, giant hills on. Who are these people? We apparently call them ski-ers. I call them LUNATICS. I went cross-country skiing once and that’s about all I want to divulge about that. Let’s just say it involved paramedics and whiskey. Oh and stitches. And a bare ass. I’ve said too much all ready.

I have started my Christmas shopping. Yes, contain your excitement as your mind is probably blown right now. I tend to do that to people, in more ways than one, if you know what I mean, wink, wink. I can’t say what I purchased because if any of my loved ones decide to torture themselves come and read, then they would find out what I bought for them. I will give some hints though. I’m not totally heartless. Let’s see, shiney, smallish, sorta big, compact, kinda black, inexpense but looks expensive, fits in a box, probably would fit in a bag, looks flashy, people will be jealous, everyone has one, you won’t find it in Canada, made in China, made in the USA, made right here in Alberta, doesn’t talk, makes some sound, is red, has fuzzy spots on it, was on clearance, you will LOVE it. There. Something for everyone. I always deliver. You can count on that.

I had a conversation yesterday with Bill. Or Bob. Or Doug. Or Steve. Or Dylan. Or Brandon. Or Kevin. I’m not sure, because he never said his name and it happened to be a wrong number. I love those.

Hello?

Hey!

Hi?

How ya doin’?

I’m fine thanks, you? No clue who this is but playing it cool because that’s they way I play.

I’m good, good. I picked up that thing, just wanted to give you a head’s up.

Oh. Oh? That thing?

Ya, you know, what Will and I talked about the other day.

Will?

Ya. So hopefully she likes it because I don’t think I can take it back.

Hopefully.

Ya, so anyway, just wanted to let you know.

Okay.

You okay? You sound kinda outta of it.

Oh yes, I’m just fine.

Hmmm. Anyway, gotta run.

Sure, run like the wind.

Wha….?

Click. Ha. Take that. I’m still wondering what it is he bought and for whom but oh well, he can’t take it back, so maybe it’s something ‘personal’ if you get my drift. You get my drift right? Right.

Okay I’m off to shower. Shower the world with my fantasticness….yes it’s a word, MY word. Word conneisure at your service.

September 24, 2007

Modeling. That’s where I’ve been for the last few days. If none of this sounds familiar, then you’ll have to click on the word ‘modeling’ beginning this paragraph and perhaps that will refresh your drunk mind.

My husband is away for 8 days and I’ve been here, passed out the whole time holding the fort down. He’ll be home in a few days, so that means, I must continue to hold the fort down. It’s alot of work. I must say I do like not having to cook meals. I mean I do feed my kids but since Ryan has a special diet, he doesn’t eat ‘regular’ food and my daughter is Miss Fussy Pants and I’m Not Eating That, so no big elaborate meals for her. I just make some soup or a sandwich for myself. How much better can it get than that? Sure, it would be nice if I had a hot pool boy personal chef, but we can’t get everything we want even if we cry, beg and plead.

I did some Christmas shopping over the weekend and today I have to wrap it so I can forget what I bought by the time December rolls around and then will have to sorta unwrap it so I can jog my memory. Sounds like a plan. I love when I have a plan. I also have a plan to paint the bedroom downstairs. I said I was going to do that last week but I was busy getting sloshed rescuing old ladies from rooftops (you’d think they’d know better since, you know, they’re old and supposedly wise, pffftt) and just didn’t get around to it. So today I may start. Or may not. I may just decide to start it tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll at least lay out the painting supplies and look at them sitting on the bedroom floor for a couple of days. You know, to get motivated. I’m a mental patient motivational speaker, so really, I should just speak to myself about this. However, I’m not listening to myself this morning. Or the child talking a mile a minute in my right ear. Does she ever stop? No. She even talks in her sleep. Oh, she leaves for school in about 30 minutes. Where’s my stop watch?

I went shopping with my girlfriend the other day. My husband loves it when I call her that because he thinks that means we ‘get it on’ as he puts it. Yes honey, that’s what it means. IN YOUR MIND. Anyway, we were at a women’s clothing store. And by women’s, I mean there’s nothing the least bit manly in the store. However, there was a 50-ish man there, trying on clothes. The women’s clothes. As in, the women’s clothes. As in, the women’s clothes. Yes, I’m serious. He wasn’t even in a changing room, just standing around the racks of women’s clothes, putting on shirts etc over top of his own clothes. Did I mention they were women’s clothes? Whatever floats your feminine side mister. The women working there were just standing around like it’s an every day occurance, for some dude to be in there trying to find that perfect outfit for the office.

I really should go make my daughter’s lunch for school. It would require me getting off of my ass and going to the kitchen 2 feet away but that seems like alot of work. And I’m all ready booked up for the day, you know, thinking about doing that painting downstairs. However, Miss Never Stops Talking is talking and wanting me to hurry up so we can leave so she can get to the playground to show off her ability on the monkey bars. I’m off, but I will be back to let you know how the thinking about painting went. Happy Monday because it is Monday here. If you’re past Monday, can’t help ya.

September 19, 2007

Mama, do you know anyone with an unibrow?

What?

A unibrow.

Where did you hear that?

I dunno. I just know that a unibrow is like one giant eyebrow. They look kinda gross.

Ah ya kinda.

So do you know anyone with one?

No.

Oh.

Where in hell my 7 year old heard of unibrows, I have no idea. Well gotta go mow tweeze my eyebrows.