October 30, 2007

I love Halloween. By love, I mean, who invented it? Who came up with the tradition to take huge, orange vegetables and cut the tops of them off, scoop out the enormous amounts of stringy shit and seeds and then attempt to be ‘artistic’ on the surface of them? Huh? Who? I’d like to slap thank them hard.

I decided that my 2 youngest children needed five pumpkins as opposed to just one each. Who buys 5 pumpkins? Someone who seemed to forget just from last Halloween how absolutely fun it is to carve pumpkins. Wow. She sounds like a moron.

By the time I was done carving the said 5 pumpkins, my hands looked like I got into Lindsay Lohan’s medicine cabinet. No, no, no, not like all white n’ powdery and stuff, but orange. My hands honestly looked like I’d had a bad fight with a huge bottle of self tanner. I was day-glowing. They’re still slightly ‘tanned’ today even after showering. Not the most attractive look.

As for the pumpkins, I might take pictures of them tomorrow night when they are all lit up and glowing and share them with you because I know ya’ll (my tribute to Britney) be waiting for them. I have nothing else to say, so I’m going to go eat a pumpkin.

October 18, 2007

I worked sooo hard today. What did I do you ask? Let me tell you. I spent about, approximately, sorta, perhaps, kinda FIVE HOURS 20 minutes on the phone with my wench Angie and we SHOPPED browsed on Ebay. And, and, and, get this…..I witnessed her Ebay virginity being taken. How awesome is that? I walked her through the transaction like a proud mother bird watching her baby bird fall from the tree. Wait, not fall, fly. Ya fly. That’s what I meant. No, seriously, she did fine. And by fine, I mean she should step away from the Ebay. I’m kidding. She really did suck at the whole Ebay thing. Joking. She’s not to be trusted with a mouse and a monitor and an Ebay account. Again, I’m teasing. It’s called sarcasm. Try it sometime, you might just like it. I recommend it with a bowl of cereal. Nothin’ says fun like Shredded Wheat and a side of sarcasm. Yum. Ha. Where’s my medication you ask? Ya, I think I forgot to take it. Note to self: Find it.

Anyway, after doing all that shopping shopping shopping work, we decided we should get off the phone because 20 minutes was a long time. Nine am to 2pm, IS twenty minutes right? Right. Thought so. Calculating time is my forte. I should be a timesmith along with the wordsmith that I am. Ooh double threat. Shaaaazam!