June 11, 2008

Nine years ago - seems like a lifetime ago, and yet, other times, it feels like yesterday. My daughter Angela passed away on June 11, 1999.

I think of her often, see her in the blooming flowers, in a fluffy cloud, in a tiny raindrop or feel her presence in a warm summer’s breeze. Although the pain has subsided and I can talk about her without feeling overwhelmed, there are times when my tears will fall, unexpectedly, surprising me. Losing a child is not something you ever, truly get over. You always feel it, live it, sometimes can’t really believe that it happened to you. But it did.

Later, today, when all is quiet, I will open her tiny hopechest of memories, write in the journal that was given to me by my sister-in-law, a journal that I write in every year on this day. I share my thoughts with her, let her know what’s happening in our lives, how much I miss her and let her know I will see her again one day. I look at her pictures, read the cards given to us, touch the handmade gifts made by my nieces and nephews, and hold her tiny dress and bonnet, and remember the last time I saw her and held her close. I will thank her, for because of her death, 14 months later, our second daughter, Madison was born. Her birth was bitter sweet, but she was very much wanted and I believe that part of Angela’s soul lives in Maddy.

Today Angela, you would be nine-years-old and I picture you with long, red hair, a spattering of freckles across your nose like all of your siblings, and a smile that would light the darkest day. One day I will hold you again, be well my sweet baby, and I love you.

January 23, 2008

I get to write about celebrities every single day. I can be snarky, snotty and sarcastic if I so choose (and alot of the time I am -sarcastic is my middle name). Most of the time it’s fun -however, when we have to write about a celebrity dying, it’s hard. It’s a weird line to walk. It’s our job to write the stories, especially if it’s a breaking news story. And yet, at the same time, it makes you feel guilty. Heath Ledger was a great actor and more importantly, he was a dad to a young daughter. I just keep picturing his ex having to explain to their 2-year-old that her daddy is gone.

May 29, 2007

Back in 1995, I was very sick for 3 months. I was sure I was dying (paranoid much?), had some kind of brain disorder, or thought perhaps gremlins were taking over my gray matter. I went for blood work, had tests done and finally was given a ct scan. It was finally discovered that I was suffering from a rebound headache, started by my migraine suffering. And guess what? I’m pretty sure it’s back.

It’s been a good, solid 2 months since it’s been going on again and I’ve got every single symptom:

Nausea
Anxiety
Memory problems
Depression
Trouble sleeping
Restlessness
Irritialbility
Difficulty concentrating

I thought this was a good picture that reflected my pain because the light hitting my eye looks like a lightning bolt piercing my skull and that’s what it feels like. Or maybe it just looks like I’m being spotlighted by law inforcement for being so beautiful. I never thought my looks would be such a burden. *Sigh*. I can’t help it people, I can’t help it. (If you’re a new reader here, keep in mind, I use sarcasm, A.L.O.T.)

I’m thinking maybe I should see my doctor even though I’m a doctor of loooooove because I’m sure he might be better able to cure me than me. He has a degree in healing and I have degree in sarcasm which I’m pretty sure won’t get me out of this. At least so far it’s not helped. I guess I’ll have to put my crime fighting on hold for now. Criminals all over the world, will be breathing a sigh of relief for now. But watch out betches, I’m coming to get you soon.

May 14, 2007

Did you ever have a friend who was so bold that she could tell someone off even better than a trucker but at the same time, is so caring that she’d give you the shirt off of her back if you needed it? I do. She’s moving far away and leaving today and saying goodbye really sucks. *Insert blubbering here*

She’s the kind of friend, who you may not talk to every single day but you know that she thinks about you and you think about her and when you do talk, you can share anything. She’s the kind of friend who would drop what she’s doing if you needed her to come over and give you some wicked migraine pills to help ease your stupid painful migraine. She’s the kind of friend who hurts when you hurt. She’s the kind of friend who would finish putting together your patio set because you’re too girlie to figure the fucker out and may break a nail. She’s the kind of friend who laughs with you AND at you because she knows that you would never get mad at her for making fun of your blonde moments. *Because you’d be mad often since you often have them*……..but I digress.

She’s the kind of friend who makes really yummy potato salad and loves that you love it. She’s the kind of friend who loves your chocolate chip cookies so much, that’d she hide them from her own offspring to totally enjoy them all to herself. Now that’s a friend.

She’s the kind of friend who can say ‘fuck’ and make it sound so funny and at the same time, she can say just the right thing to make you feel better when you’re down. She’s the kind of friend who, you actually haven’t a clue what the hell she’s saying when she’s really riled up because of her accent but you think it’s freakin’ hilarious to listen to her.

She’s the kind of friend who cares about how to approach you or tell you something for fear of hurting you, because she would never want to hurt you. And she never has.

She’s the kind of friend you’ll have for life, no matter where she lives and now she’s going to be living far far away and although I’m sad about that, sad that I can’t just call her up and say ‘can you come over?’ and sad that we can’t have any more of our girls out breakfasts with Ang (another sweet friend but this isn’t about you wench…haha) but as her friend, I’m very happy for her new life change.

Penny, I wish you much success in your new home, your new city, your new everything and I will be coming to visit because you’re going to make me some of your potato salad and I’m going to sit by your pool and you’re going to take me shopping. Bossy aren’t I? I miss you already.

April 4, 2007

Well my payment to the power company has finally been received. I guess it must have been going by horse and buggy, seeing this is only 2007 and no way do we have enough technology to transport a payment from my bank account directly to the place I want to pay my bill. Maybe in the year 2045 that will be a reality. Maybe I should invent that. Where oh where is my mad scientist hat?

Now we just have to wait and see how long it takes for someone to come and hook us back up. The nice (not being sarcastic) lady I spoke with this evening said it can take up to 24 to 48 hours. I’m hoping for an hour. Although she didn’t give me that option, I’m crossing my fingers and wishing on my genie that it comes true. I mean that bitch lives in a gold bottle and wears a bikini, so surely she can grant me that much.

It would be nice if you not only dreamed about me tonight (just because I’m cool), but crossed all of your crossable body parts, you know, if you’re not using them right now. Thanks.

November 17, 2005

Okay so remember how in different ramblings, I’ve mentioned that I’m a freak? Like a freak worrier…remember? Well if you don’t remember, I’ll tell you again. I tend to worry. Alot. Sometimes too much. Just ask anyone who knows me. I honestly am a bit better than I used to be, but certainly not within a “normal” range when it comes to worrying. I get a call today from the receptionist at Ryan’s Ped’s office. She asks me if Dr. B went over the results with us. Ummm no. I didn’t even know they were back yet. So she says, Oh. Oh? Oh what??? What does that mean? So she says, that we can come in to see Dr. K. Okay. How come we can’t just hear the results over the phone? Well, we can’t do that. Ummmm, why not? If you’re just going to say, HE’S FINE, then why can’t we hear it over the phone? No, sorry, we can’t do that. Ummmm, okay I guess we have to come in then. So she asks me when we can come? Now. How ’bout now? No, it’s the end of the day, we can’t get you in now. Okay, how about tomorrow? No, we’re booked up. WHAT?????? I need to find out the results and you can’t squeeze me in? Like yesterday? So the next available appointment is Monday afternoon. MONDAY AFTERNOON. That is waaaaay to far away. Now I’ve got the whole damn weekend to conjuer up horrible scenerios about what’s wrong with my child. Lemme just tell you, that is NOT good for a compulsive worrier. It’s really not. I know hubby will come home and be the voice of reason and reassurance but hello???? I’m a WORRIER. So I tell her, that yes Monday will be just fine. I won’t be fine by then, because I’ll be a wee bit looney with worry by then, but, yes Monday is fine. What other choice do I have? She then ends the conversation with, Oh I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Oh my gawd. You’re kidding me right? Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths…..

November 16, 2005

Well I have lured a friend of mine from MSN spaces to Blogger! Go me go me go me! Wishing you much success Mel with your blog! I will be adding you to my list (er, well Karen will since I kinda suck at the HTML crap). Happy blogging sweetie!

November 8, 2005

I have to give a shout out to my homey Mama K yo’! She helped me with my HTML for my blog and now it’s getting to look the way I want it! She rocks and never gets all up in my Kool Aid! LOL!! Thank you! Love ya!!!

November 5, 2005

Today was Ryan’s MRI. Talk about a bit nerve wracking. Although he was anxious and stressed about it, he still manages a smile…that’s Ryan though. Mr. Smilie. He knew he was going to have to go “to sleep” for the MRI and remembered “the mask” from his dental surgery back in February. We were assured that he would NOT remember that but he did. That kid is sharp let me tell ya! When it was time to put him on the bed and the Dr, who by the way, was a complete and utter ass, was getting ready to put the mask on his face, Ryan freaked. Hubby and I and 2 nurses were trying to get him to lie on the table and he was not having it. He begged me to just let him have some medicine and not the mask. Mom, please, please just listen to me, I promise I’ll do anything. God, how heartbreaking. Finally, the 4 of us adults got the 55lb child to lie on the bed and the Dr put the mask on his face. And boy oh boy he still fought it. He was crying and begging us to stop, help him. Gives me chills to think about it. I know he wasn’t being hurt and it was for his own good inorder to have the MRI but still, it’s hard to see your child like that. And when he, after about 15 seconds (which by the way feels like forever!) goes limp, it’s kinda creepy, weird, unsettling. He was awake about 45 mins later and boy was he ready to leave that place. That’s what he kept telling the nurse….I hate this place and I hate “test-es”…he was quite adamant about that. He was sick the whole way home and looking quite tired. But by days end he was pretty much back up to par. I’m so glad it’s over. And hopefully the results will find nothing abnormal. Poor little man. He’s a trooper though. And smilie. Thank God for that.