June 21, 2009
Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing! Jon and Kate aren’t divorcing! Jon and Kate are going to couple’s therapy! No, wait, Jon and Kate are renewing their wedding vows!
I don’t know what the big announcement will be on Monday’s Jon & Kate Plus 8, (OMG Y’all, I’m soooo excited!) but there are a few things that perhaps we’ve overlooked since we are all convinced it must be D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Here are the top ten other possibilities:
1. Toys R Us will be stocking their shelves with the new Kate Gosselin “Barbie” doll. She will come with hand sanitizer, perfectly manicured nails, have a tan, a clipboard full of ‘to do’ lists, a slight scowl, and of course have Kate’s signature coiffure.
2. Jon found his balls and wants to C.E….L.E…B.R.A.T.E. good times, come on!
3. Mady and Cara are fed up with the sextuplets getting all of the attention and have decided to strike.
4. Kate is pregnant but Jon isn’t the baby daddy. And no, it’s not Kate’s bodyguard either. They’ll spend at least 12 episodes trying to figure out who the father is (hint: could be Emeril Lagasse).
5. Jon found his balls (see # 2) but Kate stomped on them but good and they’ll permanently hang on the hook beside the door. FOREVER. Don’t even think about taking those off the hook, buddy. She’ll cut you.
6. Jon begs “American Chopper” dudes to adopt him and he’ll clean their shop for free, every.single.day. if they never tell Kate where he is. They hide Jon in Mikey’s facial hair. He’s never seen again.
7. Kate agrees to let Jon continue to see 23-year-old women, but he has to make sure it doesn’t conflict with her tanning and nail sessions, because one of them must be home with the children while the other is out.
8. Jon and Kate have decided to invite the Duggars over for a barbecue.
9. Kate is going to give Octomom her hairstylist’s name and number.
10. Kate has written a book titled “How To Ruin Your Marriage In 15 Easy Episodes Of Reality TV.” Jon also wrote a book called “How To Lose Your Balls In 8 Easy Episodes & Pick Up Hot Twenty-Three Year Olds In 12.”
Seriously, I do want a happy ending. Ha, who am I kidding? No, really, I do. Honestly. Stop making me laugh, dammit. I do, I really, really do.
December 23, 2008
My son Matt always says that when our family piles out of our vehicle, it’s like we’re climbing out of a clown car because we’re a family of six, which is considered a fairly big family. So when I think of TLC’s TV mom Michelle Duggar, I think of her vajayjay as a clown car that keeps on giving. I mean, not that I think of her nether regions a lot or even really at all, but knowing that she and her husband just welcomed their 18th child scares me. What scares me more, is they want more. More. Can you even imagine?
Sure, to each his own and all that shit, but how can one woman possibly enjoy being pregnant for over 135 months of her life? That’s how many months or there about, that Michelle Duggar has been pregnant. I was never a big fan of the whole pregnancy thing – of course I liked becoming a mother but uh, 18 times? No thanks. And they want more. More. Did I mention that?
Have you ever seen their show, which was called 17 Kids & Counting but will officially update to 18 Kids & Counting on Monday – it scares me too. I have four kids, two of them are grown and don’t even live with me but yet, there is still chaos in my home at times. Yes, I’m a fairly organized person but still, we live with noise, confusion, kids arguing, siblings not liking each other for at least 5 minutes of the day, someone stealing something of someone else’s, someone spilling something but yet no one did it, the cat’s food dish going empty for an hour, someone not flushing the toilet, and of course the occasional glass of spilled milk. There seems to be none of that at the Duggar home and there are now 20 of them – well oldest son Josh, is married and moved out – so technically 19 of them at home. That’s a lot of people and most of them are young – really young – and yet, everything seems to be so orderly.
I get the fact that you have to be super organized with such a large family but my god, do their kids ever fight? Punch each other? Dunk someone’s head in the toilet? Throw a tantrum? Call each other a stupid head? No? That must only happen in my less than perfect household.
When Michelle Duggar told Ann Curry on the Today Show (when asked if they’d have more and when is it ‘too many’ kids) that saying too many kids is like saying there are too many flowers, I thought I’d have a stroke. Does she know how many flowers there are in the world? Or does she mean just having lots of kids in the world is a good thing in general or did she mean she was going to pop them out until her womb closes up shop for good or runs away screaming. I’m surpised her uterus hasn’t said, “listen bitch, I’m done, I’ve had my fill, thank you very much, but I need a vacation. Over and out.” My uterus curls up in a ball and breaks out in a cold sweat when I mention the word ‘pregnancy’ and/or ‘Duggars’. I can only imagine what Michelle’s is thinking. It probably does a daily chant of “kill the eggs, kill the eggs,” or “let us pray that Jim Bob’s sperm supply shrivels up and dies very soon. Like yesterday already.”
Sure, sure, it’s wonderful that they have another beautiful baby girl and she’s healthy and blah blah blah, but does this woman ever get tired? She always seems so calm and collected and unstressed. You should see me running around in the mornings trying to get my youngest two off to school. And honestly, where in the bloody hell do Jim Bob and Michelle find the time to have sex? They don’t seem like the type to sneak off behind the barn for a noon quickie (assuming they have a barn somewhere on their property). Maybe they go off in the soup isle in their at home grocery store. I dunno.
Just once I’d love to see Michelle pulling her hair out because one of her ‘jaybies’ (all the kids’ names begin with J….don’t even get me started on that) has tried to flush the cat down the toilet, another has dumped a box of cereal into the bed of another child, one has peed on the floor in the closet, another kid is screaming that his crayon broke and he needs it fixed now or he’s going to keep screaming, one of the teens says that life isn’t fair because it sux!, another teen is not understanding why she can’t wear the hoochie skirt that all of her friends get to wear, and Jim Bob is feeling neglected and wants a little action but he forgot to take the trash out and Michelle is holding out until he gets the whole concept of ‘choreplay’ and then maybe she’ll put out, right after she puts away the 12 loads of laundry she just folded and gets the toilets scrubbed and does the floors. Why, oh why can’t I see that?
No instead, we get to see perfect order, no chaos, everyone is lovely to the other and birds chirp, choirs sing and harps play as the Duggar parents say how they’d definitely love to go for baby # 19.
Oh, there goes my uterus, getting all scared and cowering.