I don’t know what the big announcement will be on Monday’s Jon & Kate Plus 8, (OMG Y’all, I’m soooo excited!) but there are a few things that perhaps we’ve overlooked since we are all convinced it must be D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Here are the top ten other possibilities:

1. Toys R Us will be stocking their shelves with the new Kate Gosselin “Barbie” doll. She will come with hand sanitizer, perfectly manicured nails, have a tan, a clipboard full of ‘to do’ lists, a slight scowl, and of course have Kate’s signature coiffure.

2. Jon found his balls and wants to C.E….L.E…B.R.A.T.E. good times, come on!

3. Mady and Cara are fed up with the sextuplets getting all of the attention and have decided to strike.

4. Kate is pregnant but Jon isn’t the baby daddy. And no, it’s not Kate’s bodyguard either. They’ll spend at least 12 episodes trying to figure out who the father is (hint: could be Emeril Lagasse).

5. Jon found his balls (see # 2) but Kate stomped on them but good and they’ll permanently hang on the hook beside the door. FOREVER. Don’t even think about taking those off the hook, buddy. She’ll cut you.

6. Jon begs “American Chopper” dudes to adopt him and he’ll clean their shop for free, every.single.day. if they never tell Kate where he is. They hide Jon in Mikey’s facial hair. He’s never seen again.

7. Kate agrees to let Jon continue to see 23-year-old women, but he has to make sure it doesn’t conflict with her tanning and nail sessions, because one of them must be home with the children while the other is out.

8. Jon and Kate have decided to invite the Duggars over for a barbecue.

9. Kate is going to give Octomom her hairstylist’s name and number.

10. Kate has written a book titled “How To Ruin Your Marriage In 15 Easy Episodes Of Reality TV.” Jon also wrote a book called “How To Lose Your Balls In 8 Easy Episodes & Pick Up Hot Twenty-Three Year Olds In 12.”

Seriously, I do want a happy ending. Ha, who am I kidding? No, really, I do. Honestly. Stop making me laugh, dammit. I do, I really, really do.

My son Matt always says that when our family piles out of our vehicle, it’s like we’re climbing out of a clown car because we’re a family of six, which is considered a fairly big family. So when I think of TLC’s TV mom Michelle Duggar, I think of her vajayjay as a clown car that keeps on giving. I mean, not that I think of her nether regions a lot or even really at all, but knowing that she and her husband just welcomed their 18th child scares me. What scares me more, is they want more. More. Can you even imagine?

Sure, to each his own and all that shit, but how can one woman possibly enjoy being pregnant for over 135 months of her life? That’s how many months or there about, that Michelle Duggar has been pregnant. I was never a big fan of the whole pregnancy thing – of course I liked becoming a mother but uh, 18 times? No thanks. And they want more. More. Did I mention that?

Have you ever seen their show, which was called 17 Kids & Counting but will officially update to 18 Kids & Counting on Monday – it scares me too. I have four kids, two of them are grown and don’t even live with me but yet, there is still chaos in my home at times. Yes, I’m a fairly organized person but still, we live with noise, confusion, kids arguing, siblings not liking each other for at least 5 minutes of the day, someone stealing something of someone else’s, someone spilling something but yet no one did it, the cat’s food dish going empty for an hour, someone not flushing the toilet, and of course the occasional glass of spilled milk. There seems to be none of that at the Duggar home and there are now 20 of them – well oldest son Josh, is married and moved out – so technically 19 of them at home. That’s a lot of people and most of them are young – really young – and yet, everything seems to be so orderly.

I get the fact that you have to be super organized with such a large family but my god, do their kids ever fight? Punch each other? Dunk someone’s head in the toilet? Throw a tantrum? Call each other a stupid head? No? That must only happen in my less than perfect household.

When Michelle Duggar told Ann Curry on the Today Show (when asked if they’d have more and when is it ‘too many’ kids) that saying too many kids is like saying there are too many flowers, I thought I’d have a stroke. Does she know how many flowers there are in the world? Or does she mean just having lots of kids in the world is a good thing in general or did she mean she was going to pop them out until her womb closes up shop for good or runs away screaming. I’m surpised her uterus hasn’t said, “listen bitch, I’m done, I’ve had my fill, thank you very much, but I need a vacation. Over and out.” My uterus curls up in a ball and breaks out in a cold sweat when I mention the word ‘pregnancy’ and/or ‘Duggars’. I can only imagine what Michelle’s is thinking. It probably does a daily chant of “kill the eggs, kill the eggs,” or “let us pray that Jim Bob’s sperm supply shrivels up and dies very soon. Like yesterday already.”

Sure, sure, it’s wonderful that they have another beautiful baby girl and she’s healthy and blah blah blah, but does this woman ever get tired? She always seems so calm and collected and unstressed. You should see me running around in the mornings trying to get my youngest two off to school. And honestly, where in the bloody hell do Jim Bob and Michelle find the time to have sex? They don’t seem like the type to sneak off behind the barn for a noon quickie (assuming they have a barn somewhere on their property). Maybe they go off in the soup isle in their at home grocery store. I dunno.

Just once I’d love to see Michelle pulling her hair out because one of her ‘jaybies’ (all the kids’ names begin with J….don’t even get me started on that) has tried to flush the cat down the toilet, another has dumped a box of cereal into the bed of another child, one has peed on the floor in the closet, another kid is screaming that his crayon broke and he needs it fixed now or he’s going to keep screaming, one of the teens says that life isn’t fair because it sux!, another teen is not understanding why she can’t wear the hoochie skirt that all of her friends get to wear, and Jim Bob is feeling neglected and wants a little action but he forgot to take the trash out and Michelle is holding out until he gets the whole concept of ‘choreplay’ and then maybe she’ll put out, right after she puts away the 12 loads of laundry she just folded and gets the toilets scrubbed and does the floors. Why, oh why can’t I see that?

No instead, we get to see perfect order, no chaos, everyone is lovely to the other and birds chirp, choirs sing and harps play as the Duggar parents say how they’d definitely love to go for baby # 19.

Oh, there goes my uterus, getting all scared and cowering.

1. You have to know how to swim. I’m quite certain, a sad, pathetic, ‘dog paddle,’ isn’t going to cut it. They have to dive down and get balls and anchors and shit and that is just not for me. I’d be the first Survivor to drown. Plus, OMG, it’s not like I could bring my flat iron and do my hair. I’m sorry, looking like a dirty bag lady is so not me.

2. Hello? The bathroom situation. I’ve heard their toilet is a hole in the ground. Maybe, secretly, there’s porta-potties around the campground, but I doubt it. And a porta-pottie is probably more disgusting than a hole. No way, no how. My idea of roughing it, is not having a soaker tub in the hotel room.

3.Bugs. More specificially, spiders. Have you seen some of those bastards? They’re massive. And they look like they could suck your brains out in record time. My fear of spiders is greater than the desire to want to win a million bucks. Seriously. And the mosquitoes – have you seen some of the contestants after being there for just a few days? Covered in massive amounts of bug bites – the itching, the swelling – nasty. I like my skin too much to put it through that crap.

4. Not being able to have anti-perspirant, body spray, soap, shampoo, a razor, a toothbrush, toothpaste, flat iron (see above), nail file, skin cream, makeup….I could go on. I panick if I can’t find my lipgloss. Duh. It’s what princesses do.

5. How do I put this delicately? I like being clean – super clean – everywhere, if you get my drift. I can’t imagine not being able to bathe for days, weeks if I were to get far in the game. Plus, all the other people’s body odor that you’d have to put up with. I don’t do body odor. Ever.

6. Dirty nails. Have you seen the fingernails of the contestants? My French manicure couldn’t handle it. I can barely garden (what I mean is, I don’t garden), so I can’t imagine dirt all up under my fingernails. They eat food with those hands (well what little food they get). I have a strong stomach but not when it comes to dirty nails possibly touching my face/mouth area.

7. No mirrors. I’m not such a snot that I look in the mirror every chance I get but I do like to check my appearance now and again, so to go days, or weeks, without seeing how I look (which I’m imagining would be frightening), would be torture. I suppose my one ‘luxury item’ could be a mirror but then I’d break down crying after looking in the mirror because I have no lipgloss (see above). It’s a no win-win situation.

8. No shopping. Well, they do have the Survivor auctions, but that’s not quite the same. It’s like a grab-bag of ‘you don’t know what the hell you’re getting for your money,’ so that’s not much fun. I meant shopping, as in, shoes and handbags. Thirty-nine days of not shopping, can’t do it.

9.Possibly having to eat bugs and/or worms etc. See # 3 – if I can’t handle bugs ON my body, I can’t handle them IN my body via MY MOUTH. (Or any other orifice, thank you very much).

10. Uh, no computer. No computer? What? Can’t do it. Be away from my beloved laptop for days, or weeks? Ha, surely you kid!

11. No telephone action. I’m sorry, are they trying to kill me? If I don’t hear the phone ring at least once a day, I think the world is coming to an end.

12. Chocolate. I don’t necessarily need chocolate, but a small piece once a week never killed anyone and I’m sorry, there are times in a woman’s life, that she just has to have that piece of crack, er, chocolate. I guess if you get lucky enough in the auction to buy a piece or some cake or something, but that’s an awfully big ‘maybe.’

13. TV. I need to know what’s happening with Brooke and Ridge and what about Victor and Nicki?

14. Wearing the same clothes over and over. They get wet, (but I’d be dead anyway from drowning the first time, so I guess this wouldn’t really be that much of a worry for me), they dry out, they get wet, they dry out – smelly, wet, dirty and did I mention smelly? *Shudder*

15. Not being able to shave my legs/under arms, *ahem* etc, etc,(see # 4) – I’m sorry, my body doesn’t do ‘stubble’ or certainly not ‘hair’ and not having smooth skin would most likely give me a stroke. Not doin’ it.

I could continue, and I know I said 8000 reasons, but it’s late (not really) and I have ice cream that is calling my ass name. I’m going to settle for watching Survivor and knowing I’ll never actually be on the show. Weep for me.

Grissom – the staple of CSI – is leaving the show! Yes, William Petersen is saying goodbye. This is just like the weird bullshit that’s happening on Wisteria Lane. And I don’t like it one bit.

Petersen will exit around the middle of the new season – no word on the ‘how’ they’ll do it – but he won’t be killed off like Dourdan. William will remain as an executive producer, so perhaps he’ll make some guest appearances. I swear, my kids get sick for a week and all hell breaks loose everywhere.

Okay, if my man Horatio leaves CSI Miami, then I’m storming Hollywood.

It’s a bloody heatwave here – well, I think. It’s hot as hell (not that I’d know how hot hell is, but you know what I mean – I might know in about 50 years, for now, I’m guessing), and I’m crabby and thought, what would cheer me up? Cash? A date with Brad Pitt? Someone presenting me with diamonds? Sure, those are all things that would be nice, but I’m pretty certain, none of them are happening anytime soon. But…..

….I just found out through the grapevine (uh, the internet) that Nicollette Sheridan IS coming back to play evil, bitchy Edit Britt! Yay! She was written out of last season’s show but I guess the writers got a clue (or heard me whining) and are bringing her back. Or maybe they planned this all along and wanted to play with our minds. Ha. And they call Edie evil.

So, there you go, some great news to start off your Monday morning gossip shootin’ the shit around the water cooler. You can thank me later. Wink wink.

I must go finish sweating to death now. Kthxbai.

I love CSI Miami – or more importantly Horatio. I’m not sure why, I can’t answer that question. There’s something about his cheesy one-liners that keep me riveted to the television. When he just gives us ‘that’ look after taking off his sunglasses (or putting them on), it’s like I’m hypnotized. Call me weird, but I’m openly admitting it.

The show ended with Caine having been apparently shot and then lying seemingly dead on the airport tarmac and then we see Ryan Wolfe get a text message saying, “it’s done,” in reference to the bad dude in prison saying he wants Horatio dead. Oh the mystery! And we also see prior to this – Horatio’s son with a gun, perhaps implying that his kid shot him?

Okay, first, I’m suggesting you don’t get your panties in a bunch like I did when I first watched it. I’m an amateur detective and I think I’ve figured out what’s happening. Horatio is not dead (duh) because the star of the show isn’t going to be killed off, unless, you know, CBS wants the SHOW TO DIE. Like it or not, David Caruso IS CSI Miami.

Anyway, here’s my shot at it (no pun) – Horatio is faking his death so he can go after the bad guys and get rid of them, uh, illegally. As in shoot ‘em up and bury the bodies. He’s going to go into the depths of hell to get them. And the text message to Ryan – it’s from Horatio! Horatio wants Wolfe to know he’s ‘now dead’ (pretend dead) so he can play the part of the grieving co-worker. Totally figured this one out! No need to thank me – well you can send cash to show some gratitude.

Oh how I can’t wait until September to see if my theory is on the money. And would someone please bed Emily? That chick needs to get laid, she’s a tad too serious. Just sayin’.

In case you missed it, here’s the last couple of mins:

Last night’s finale – well let me just say I am not a happy camper. If you’ve not watched it yet because you were too drunk (on a Sunday? Nice.) and have it ready to go on Tivo, skip on out because I’m discussing what happened and the ending – which I HATED by the way.

Okay nutjob Kayla (Yes it’s not nice to call kids names but I am anyway) was sent packing after Tom had the psychologist listen in on the conversation where Kayla admits to Tom she had made the stories up about Lynette. Bah bye. Is anyone going to get this kid help? Who knows, because she’s not coming back to the show next season. I’m a tad concerned we’re left hanging about Lynette and Tom’s boys SETTING FIRE TO A RESTAURANT. Oh that little thing? Nah, we’ll just move on. Sure it’s a show, but OMG come on.

Seriously, could Susan be any more dense? Maynard is a ridiculous name (no offense to anyone named Maynard) and Connor is a cute name – why couldn’t Susan, as a mom with a new, sweet baby, put her foot down and say to Mike, we’ll name our son Connor and his MIDDLE name can be Maynard. Or don’t people have middle names on Wisteria Lane? Duh. I want to smack her sometimes.

I was very upset when we found out that Dylan (well the real Dylan) accidently died when she tried to retrieve a doll that her mother (Katherine) had put up on a book shelf and the book shelf fell on her. And what does Katherine do? Oh she and her aunt bury the kid in the woods. Then Katherine goes to a Romanian orphanage and just gets a Dylan look-a-like to fill her place. Ya, that’s what most moms would do. Again, it’s a show and usually I go with the flow, but really, that was so…cold?

Bree still won’t forgive Orson for trying to run Mike over (well she does in the “flash forward show”) and that makes me laugh because didn’t Bree’s kid run over Carlos’ mother way back when and the woman died? She didn’t have any problem with that little detail. Ya, Mike didn’t even die Bree – so why not take Orson back? Pot, meet the kettle. Ya. The whole pot and the kettle thing. Get my drift Bree?

Katherine shoots Wayne – Fake Dylan forgives her mother for lying (she’s not coming back to next season’s show) and all the ladies from Wisteria Lane cover for Katherine, so she’s in, she’s one of them now, which I liked. Nothing says friendship more than getting help from your neighbors after you’ve shot your abusive ex-husband kind of illegally.

Where the hell was Edie? She’s apparently leaving the show but last weeks episode was our final goodbye to the bitch? Say it isn’t so! We need a bitch (well Gabby’s a bitch, but a princess bitch and that’s different). We need us some conniving Edie! Please give us more Edie, even just a smidge.

I have to say I was not happy about the five years into the future. I know a lot of people LOVED it, but I HATED it. Tom and Lynette have raised delinquents (no shit) and we see at least two of their boys are in trouble with the law. Gee maybe it’s the fact that you two let your boys get away with burning down a building? Just grasping at straws. But hey, at least Tom and Lynette are still together.

Hopefully Bob and Lee will be back next season – those two crack me up. Love them. Bree managed to pull off their committment ceremony. Of course she did!

Bree is some sort of Martha Stewart-like big wig with a tight bun and business suit, and her son is perhaps her assistant/manager? That totally seems like it’s a good fit and we know that she’s back with Orson because in their final scene, he’s upstairs “drawing” her a bath. That made me happy. I mean if you can forgive your kid for a hit and run (and killing an old woman), then you can damn well forgive your husband for an attempted hit and run murder scenerio. Totally.

Katherine’s fake Dylan gets engaged (we hear it on the phone) but she’s not returning to Wisteria Lane. Katherine will be back next season but not sure if Adam will be a part of her life.

Gabby has packed on some weight and has a couple of kids – who are not what you’d expect Gabby’s kids to be (perfect right?) – should be funny BUT they have to put Gabby back to her usual princess/wench/bitch self because sorry, someone like Gabby isn’t going to start wearing sweatpants and let her hair go. Not happening. I want my princess back. Not that I can relate to the princess thing. Absolutely I can.

Susan’s daughter Julie, is off to Princeton and off the show. She’s not coming back next season. Hard to say how Susan will do without her – she’s a bumbling idiot without the help of her 18-year-old daughter normally, so does this mean Susan will be even dumber next season?

And the kicker? Susan walks in her front door, exclaims to her honey she’s home and some dude that ISN’T Mike starts kissing her (guy from Queer As Folk). That, I did NOT like one little bit. And where’s the baby with the awful name? Where’s little Maynard, who’d be five now? Did he and Mike die in a car crash (I will HATE it if that’s true), did Mike get hooked on prescription drugs again? Did he go to jail? Not a happy camper. I get that the writers wanted to stir things up – but hello? You CAN’T get rid of Mike. Well you can, it’s your show, but I highly recommend against it. The fans want Mike!

There you have it, we have to wait until September to find out if this was all some sort of dream, or if we get to see what happened in those five years or if we just start fresh from the five years. I want answers dammit! I’m highly impatient I tell you!

Here’s a vid of the last few minutes – I’m not watching it again because the whole ‘Susan is kissing someone other than Mike’ is pissing me off.

Happy Monday.