September 10, 2008
The new season of Survivor starts in a few days and I’ve been watching it since it began many years ago. Never missed a season or a show. I always day dream about being on the show, and then I realize, that is just not a possibility. Forget the fact that I’m not a resident of America, it’s all the other reasons that I could never be a contestant.
1. You have to know how to swim. I’m quite certain, a sad, pathetic, ‘dog paddle,’ isn’t going to cut it. They have to dive down and get balls and anchors and shit and that is just not for me. I’d be the first Survivor to drown. Plus, OMG, it’s not like I could bring my flat iron and do my hair. I’m sorry, looking like a dirty bag lady is so not me.
2. Hello? The bathroom situation. I’ve heard their toilet is a hole in the ground. Maybe, secretly, there’s porta-potties around the campground, but I doubt it. And a porta-pottie is probably more disgusting than a hole. No way, no how. My idea of roughing it, is not having a soaker tub in the hotel room.
3.Bugs. More specificially, spiders. Have you seen some of those bastards? They’re massive. And they look like they could suck your brains out in record time. My fear of spiders is greater than the desire to want to win a million bucks. Seriously. And the mosquitoes – have you seen some of the contestants after being there for just a few days? Covered in massive amounts of bug bites – the itching, the swelling – nasty. I like my skin too much to put it through that crap.
4. Not being able to have anti-perspirant, body spray, soap, shampoo, a razor, a toothbrush, toothpaste, flat iron (see above), nail file, skin cream, makeup….I could go on. I panick if I can’t find my lipgloss. Duh. It’s what princesses do.
5. How do I put this delicately? I like being clean – super clean – everywhere, if you get my drift. I can’t imagine not being able to bathe for days, weeks if I were to get far in the game. Plus, all the other people’s body odor that you’d have to put up with. I don’t do body odor. Ever.
6. Dirty nails. Have you seen the fingernails of the contestants? My French manicure couldn’t handle it. I can barely garden (what I mean is, I don’t garden), so I can’t imagine dirt all up under my fingernails. They eat food with those hands (well what little food they get). I have a strong stomach but not when it comes to dirty nails possibly touching my face/mouth area.
7. No mirrors. I’m not such a snot that I look in the mirror every chance I get but I do like to check my appearance now and again, so to go days, or weeks, without seeing how I look (which I’m imagining would be frightening), would be torture. I suppose my one ‘luxury item’ could be a mirror but then I’d break down crying after looking in the mirror because I have no lipgloss (see above). It’s a no win-win situation.
8. No shopping. Well, they do have the Survivor auctions, but that’s not quite the same. It’s like a grab-bag of ‘you don’t know what the hell you’re getting for your money,’ so that’s not much fun. I meant shopping, as in, shoes and handbags. Thirty-nine days of not shopping, can’t do it.
9.Possibly having to eat bugs and/or worms etc. See # 3 – if I can’t handle bugs ON my body, I can’t handle them IN my body via MY MOUTH. (Or any other orifice, thank you very much).
10. Uh, no computer. No computer? What? Can’t do it. Be away from my beloved laptop for days, or weeks? Ha, surely you kid!
11. No telephone action. I’m sorry, are they trying to kill me? If I don’t hear the phone ring at least once a day, I think the world is coming to an end.
12. Chocolate. I don’t necessarily need chocolate, but a small piece once a week never killed anyone and I’m sorry, there are times in a woman’s life, that she just has to have that piece of crack, er, chocolate. I guess if you get lucky enough in the auction to buy a piece or some cake or something, but that’s an awfully big ‘maybe.’
13. TV. I need to know what’s happening with Brooke and Ridge and what about Victor and Nicki?
14. Wearing the same clothes over and over. They get wet, (but I’d be dead anyway from drowning the first time, so I guess this wouldn’t really be that much of a worry for me), they dry out, they get wet, they dry out – smelly, wet, dirty and did I mention smelly? *Shudder*
15. Not being able to shave my legs/under arms, *ahem* etc, etc,(see # 4) – I’m sorry, my body doesn’t do ‘stubble’ or certainly not ‘hair’ and not having smooth skin would most likely give me a stroke. Not doin’ it.
I could continue, and I know I said 8000 reasons, but it’s late (not really) and I have ice cream that is calling my
ass name. I’m going to settle for watching Survivor and knowing I’ll never actually be on the show. Weep for me.