June 13, 2007

Here’s a piece of mind blowing information for you: I don’t use soap on my body. I’m not saying I don’t bathe or shower, but I’m saying I don’t like the feeling of my skin being dried out, so I don’t use soap. Instead, I use Baby Dove. I mean it’s in the shape of a bar of soap but they claim it’s not soap and I do believe them because my skin isn’t all dry and flakey and I will cut them if they’re lying to me. So this is where I get a little creeped out. I was watching tv yesterday and a commerical came on for Dove chocolate. Chocolate, as in, that yummy brown stuff we all like to eat and/or smear on ourselves and have it……nevermind. See, I kinda have a problem with the people who create my bathing products, now creating things we can supposedly eat. Like is it really stomach friendly? Or is it just a chocolate bath product and if we actually ate it, we’d get the trots or some other toilet issue? I’m sorta skeptical and I’m doubting I will eat Dove chocolate. I mean it looks like chocolate but it could be a conspiracy and we all know how those go. Moving right along.

Not that you care but did you hear this? Remember Kevin Federline? He’s that wanna be supastar, who wears his pants well below his ass line, big white sneakers, crooked hat and wife beater, who used to be shacked up with Shar Jackson, implanted his seed *shudder* twice and she then became his baby mama and then he dumped her to have sex with (and marry) *shudder muchly* BritneyI like to show my saggy vagina ALOT and shave my head and beat things with my Mary Poppins umbrella and then get skanky extensions and show my vagina again ALOT Spears and then implanted Shitney with more of his seed *Insert vomitting here* and then she became his baby mama too? Remember? Ya, snoresville but you have to listen to this because it quite frankly blows my mind how trashy and messed up some people truly are. Well, now, supposedly, allegedly, Shar Jackson is pregnant AGAIN with, you guessed it, Kevin’s baby. Ummmm what? So, let me get this straight. You Shar, had to have had sex AGAIN with K’Fed inorder to be implanted with his seed AGAIN and that my dear, is just gross. Makes my life seem so boring normal. Oh the fun. Good luck with that. I feel sorry for those children. All 36 of them. Meh.

Oh, I started weight training on Monday. And by that, I mean, I don’t have weights or training, so what I am saying is, I’m still doing alot of eating bonbons cleaning. Na, I’m just shitting you, I did start weight training. My husband bought this big home gym thingy and I have been using it. My arms are feeling like rubber, so I’m actually typing this all with my eyelashes. Yes, they are that long and pretty. Eat your hearts out.

I have to mow my lawn today. If I sound whiny, it’s because I am whiny and I’m not wanting to mow my lawn but unless someone wants to come and do it for me, then it’s just me and my mower. And my extension cord. And my garden gloves. And my giant bottle of vodka sunscreen. I suppose I should actually get off my ass and do it but that would mean I’d have to get off my ass and that sounds so lame and boring. And I’m clearly too fantastic to be either lame or boring. Oh the suffering I suffer.

Oh PS. I eloped 18 years ago today. Ah not with myself, but with a hot guy named Anthony. I mean sure, if I was going to elope with myself, I would because, who wouldn’t? What? Nevermind.

February 8, 2007

Do I look a tiiiiiiny bit nutters to you? Ya? I thought so. Here’s a run down of my last few days. You might want to grab a snack and by snack, I mean vodka. And pills. And more vodka.


I’m still on pins and needles waiting on news about the house we want. I mean what are the chances it will still be on the market when we’re finally able to purchase it? Slim to none but who’s counting? Yes, it’s very ugly, straight out of the 80’s but still. Maybe someone else will think it’s an undiscovered gem and snatch it up. I’ll just kick them in the neck and steal it back. I’m kinda ninja like that.


I have a recommendation to make. Never, ever, ever, take a big ass grocery cart out on slippery parking lots that are sloped. Why you ask? Lemme tell you. I went to the grocery store yesterday and it was snowy, cold and because it had been mild the day before, the pavement had developed a thin layer of ICE. Now cover that ICE with a little bit of snow, put groceries in a huge, heavy shopping cart, going downhill and then have a 5′2″ looney pushing it. And by pushing it, I mean losing control of it and skating/sliding/being drug behind the cart like some kind of drunk ice capades has been. It was not pretty. And neither is my ass after being slightly bruised. Not to mention my ego. There were witnesses.


I did buy some chicken though. And cooked it in this:

Do you like my roasting pan? Not that you can really call it that. It’s one of those $1.99 tinfoil-y jobies that you get at the grocery store when you’re a loser like me and have no roasting pan to speak of. I mean I do have a big roasting pan, however, it’s been missing since 2004 and I’ve been too drunk busy to search for it. Plus, really, do I cook that much that I need it? Hardly. However, I bought 2 chickens that I decided to cut up and needed a big roaster. So I happen to find that monstrousity that I had purchased a while back but because it was so big, I had rammed it into the cabinet, thus it came out looking a little mashed. I had to kinda pound it back into ’shape’ (I use that term loosely) and recreate the sides as they were not looking too healthy. Oh and it leaks. I found that out once I put the chicken in there and then poured the marinade all over it. As I carried it to the fridge, there was a trail of brownish soupy mess behind me. Nice. But surprisingly my chicken turned out and my family didn’t die of food poisoning, which is really cool.

Next on my list of whining, is these two:

My oldest offspring, goofy and goofier. However, I suppose I have to give them credit for being creative. Remember my ghetto dryer here? Well it finally crapped out and was sorta shooting sparks out of it’s ass, so I’m thinking it’s bit the big one and gone to dryer heaven.

So we needed to get the dryer that came with this house back in here. Hubby told me to ask the boys to take the old one out and bring the other one back in from the shed. Well after much huffing and puffing and complaining, they managed to get the shitty dryer out and get it to the shed. I had told them, they can’t drag the newer dryer in the snow and get it all wet. So they hummed and hawed and figured a way to get the dryer over to the step without getting it all snowy. Now, I’m thinking they’d just CARRY it since, honestly, it’s not that heavy for 2 big strapping young men, a bit awkward yes, but heavy no. But no, no, no, they don’t want to carry it because that would require WORK. So naturally, they put the newer dryer on top of the ghetto dryer and drag them both over to the step. Quite lazy ingenious don’t you think? Me too. Kinda white trashy too. Whatever, the other dryer is back and now working. Hooray!

Oh and on a final note, not of whining but of praising. I just have to say I have the best, best friend ever, as she spoiled me the other day. I swear it was just like Christmas and she was Santa, except it was February and she’s not in a red velvet suit with a big fat gut and a long, white beard. And big man hands. She’s actually quite lovely. I would totally marry her, well, you know, if I was a lesbian and she was one too and we weren’t already married to men, with children and stuff. Nevermind. I probably should have just kept that part in my head. Anyway, she’s so good to me and I wuv her alot.

November 15, 2005

We have an air conditioner. So do alot of other people I’m sure. Big deal. But it was brought to my attention earlier this year, that I’m white trash because of it….not me personally but anyone who owns one. And not by anyone I know but I was reading at a MSN group and this one chick posted that she was upset because her neighbor had just installed an “in the window” type air conditioner. She went on to say how she lives in an upper class community and it’s just unheard of to have an air conditioner in one’s window. All the rage apparently, is central air. Well, la de friggin da.

I’ve had my air conditioner since I was 22 months pregnant with my daughter, Maddy. We lived back east and the humidity was enough to kill a small cow. It was often suffocating in the summer months, sweat pouring down your body even when you were just sitting still and not even barely breathing. It was horrid. Add to that, a child living in your womb, and well, it sucks.



I begged hubby to buy me an air conditioner. He said sure, it would be an early birthday present. I was elated! We found one on sale, had lots of BLT’S, no, wait, BIG’S, nope, BTU’S…something like that. Anyway, we bought that baby and came home and I immediately had my darling man installing it. I loved that thing. How I would stand in front of it and let the cool air wash over my sweaty, get this child out of me, pregnant body. It was pure Heaven!



When we moved out west, we left the humidity behind but still had hot temperatures to contend with during summer months and who wants to sweat while playing online? Sheesh. So we get out our AC every summer, without fail. But I did notice that not many people here having AC’s. Or they are all fancy schmancy and have central air. So after reading this girls post about how anyone with a window AC is definately white trash, it made me think……..OMG am I white trash?



What else constitutes “white trash”? Is my favorite color “shiny”? Well I do like glitter and shiny stuff. We eat CheeseWhiz…is that part of the list? I think it could be. I have used a hot glue gun to hem my pants (I can’t sew) and I’ve often safety-pinned a button back on my shirt because I couldn’t sew it back on. I recyle tissue paper. I reuse water bottles after I’ve drank the bottled water out of them. Doesn’t this make me “crafty” as opposed to white trash-ish? I’m not quite sure. I mean I don’t have central air, but I want to stay cool, so I have to use my window AC.

So I wonder if our neighbors talk about us when our big white AC goes in the window?



House 124….”Oh George, did you see house 1**? Oh my gosh, they’ve put in their white trash cool air blower in. Shameful. How could anyone live like that George?”



House 132….”Susan, come quick!!!! House 1** is putting in that thing again. In their window! How dreadful! Don’t open the door if they ever ring our bell. And for Godsake don’t let our children play with their white trash children. Lock the doors.”



House 141…”Donald, I will not live in this neighborhood any longer! I will not! You can’t make me! Look…Look…Look! House 1** has put in that, that, that, eye sore once again! God, I will not live like this.”



I can hear it all now. But I refuse to give up my AC. Maybe someday I will be all rich and shit too and have the totally popular and very stylish central air but until then, I’m using my white trash bathe me in cool air, box in my window!!! Hmmmpphhh.